Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Dear Mr. Jerry Wengert

Dear Jerry,

Uh, can I calls you Jerry? Okays good. Yous can call me Puddles or Youcantbeseriousgirl. I is also a girl. Now I is writing dis letter in hopes of convincing you to bring me on as a K-9 doggie in your department. I may not be da usual candidate fur such a job cuz of my size but I is REAL BIG on personality and provide tons of entertainment. I knows you is prolly thinking dat I don't has da qualifications to be a part of your K-9 team cuz I is a dachshund. Well, dat ain't da case. Well, I is a doxie but I is also Puddles so dat means I can do anything as long as it suits my agenda. I have written out a few of my attributes and included a few million fotos  so you can sees how purty I is fur informational purposes. You may want to take some notes.

Nows, I must tells you furst dat I ain't formally trained in da K-9 field.
Heck, I don't has to be trained cuz it's aaaaaall instinct fur me.
(really only cuz I ain't trainables)
I just so happens to be da only breed to hunt below and above ground...now I don't thinks a regular K-9 could do dat.

I am super fast!
I'm even faster withs my head on.

I knows, I knows (shaking my head) you thinking I aint tuff and fierce.
Ask Mr. Ground Hog fur a reference.
I am sures he would oblige you...if he is still around.
(Dat blob is my Brudder and he was just supervising while I tooks da foto
but I WAS theres protecting and serving)
I tooks dat sucker down!!!!
Down I say!

I is also leash trained but it has to be a short leash in case I comes across a squirrel or chipmunk, or fly perpetrator and then it's sayonara, I'm off likes lightening.
(Sorry, no visuals of dis, mum can't seem to take pictures and run at da same time).

Now dis may appeal to you.
I is a very good cooker of fine southern cuisine.
I do a variety of dishes as long as it is squirrel.
I makes a deeeelish Citrus Squirrel.
But da above foto is Squirrel Stew
(don't let their sweet faces fool you)

You will be pleased to knows dat I is crate trained so you won't has to worry bouts dat.
Ahem..cough...cough...I'm kinda crate trained.
But I do require a TV and remote control...and a bag of Cheetos.
Make sure you gets dat in your notes.

I has also been known to do a little undercover work.
Nobuddy would suspect I was a doggie.

Let's see, what else can I do?
Oh yes, check out me in my stealth mode.

Because I is a hound, I has a very good nose to sniff things out, peoples, drugs, beer, bombs, cheetos...
in dis case, a chipmunk.

I also NEVERS EVERS poop while on da leash...strictly business once da leash goes on.
Okays well there was dis one time...I won't go theres.
(NOTE: I prefer purple poop bags, just so you'll knows)

I only mishave 3 or 12 times a week...give or take.
My "Good Times" are from 11-2 on Wednesdays
(You may wanna jot dat down in your notes)

I knows every single command but I has been inflicted
withs a rare debilitating disability called
"Selective Hearing".
It prevents me from only hearing a few or no commands.
Has you evers heard of it?
I hope dis won't hurt my chances.
Dis command is called "Get On The Table and Have Your Picture Made and Look Gorgeous"
(There is also a law dat says I can't discriminated against due to a disability)

Most importantly, I am fabulous at press fotos!
Good publicity shots will help in da climb to fame success.

Oh I almost furgots...I can hang withs da big dogs...so to speak...afters work.
(mine has to be a lite variety to maintain my girly figure...did you write dat down?)


So nows you can go ahead and order my K-9 vest.
Prolly a Small cuz I is 20 inches long and I weighs 11.8 pounds.
Another good trait, I is good with numbers.
Remembers, da name is Puddles
Dats P-U-D-D-L-E-S!
Dat is two D's.
And could I has mine in a nice shade of red?

Puddles...K-9

Now on a serious note...Thank you to all da Popo officers everywheres fur a job well done.
Just rememebrs not to park in my driveway when you go to da neighbors house:)

Dam, dat was a long post.

Peace Out,
Puddles...Broward County K-9

50 comments:

Lola and also Franklin, too said...

Good luck, Puddles. They'd be smart to give you a chance. Sure, you might be unconventional in your approach and maybe even a bit of an iconoclast, but all the more reason why you'll be a great cop.

scotsmad said...

Terrific resume, Puddles. Our friend Millie would make a good stand in for you....you know when they do all that boring lighting stuff. So let us know if you need her.

XXXOOO Daisy, Kendra & bella

Bobbi said...

Oh my gosh, you made me laugh pretty early this morning, Puddles. I usually don't get this hysterical till.. say... after 9 am at least.
Only you!!! LOL

Gloria said...

You just made my morning! Now I can go to work with a big smile on my face! Gloria

Madi and Mom said...

MOL PUDDLES MOM'S EYES ARE LEAKING AND SHE NEARLY SPIT COFFEE ON THE MONITOR WHEN SHE READ "IF IT SUITS MY AGENDA"!! OH MY CATS YOUR APPLICATION IS THE BEST/FUNNIEST WE HAVE EVER READ. IF, PER CHANCE, THIS JOB DOESN'T PAN OUT, I THINK YOU SHOULD SEND AN APPLICATION TO 'COMEDY CENTRAL'!Your devoted fans,
Madi and Mom

Mr. Pip said...

Puddipoo - In case you haven't noticed, I don't have much leg to show! My leg was lifted in that picture you just can't tell cause that sign is in the way. I am working what I got!

Your pal, Pip

mayziegal said...

Ohmidogness! If that doesn't gets you the job, well, they're just KER-AZY! I'm oh so sorry abouts your disability but I think it was good to point out that they couldn't discriminates against you.

Gosh, will you remember all of us when you're a rich and famous K9 doggie - cuz I'm just SURE they pay K9 doggies and popo officers like a million dollars a day, don't you? That sure will buy a lotta cheetos and beer.

Let me know the second they call you, okay?

Wiggles & Wags,
Mayzie

Mr. Pip said...

Bawhahahaha! You are hired! And if that doesn't pan out, you can come work security for me - when I become a big rock star and take over the world.

Your pal, Pip

P.S.: Would you mind cooking me up some Citrus Squirrel glazed with beer!

Minna Krebs said...

Uhmmmmm...did you knows that Broward County is NOT in South Carolina???? You may need to commute via Pinto

houndstooth said...

Puddles, I think that they're going to be knocking on your door very soon and they're either going to ask you to be on their show or they're going to serve you papers saying you can't come within a certain distance of them! Will you still be my friend when you're a famous TV hound?

Bunny

jen said...

I think you got the job Puddles! They would be crazy not to want you as a part of their team!

Erika and Blair,xoxo said...

OH MY GOODNESS. I think we just laughed so hard that we might need a change of pants up here. Puddles we are so very sorry to hear about your little disability problem. Mom thinks that it is contagious so be careful who you hangout with...or don't!

Ruby and Penny said...

That is quite the resume Puddles. Hope you get the job.
Love Ruby & Penny

Schnauzer Days said...

Well we think you should get the job! We can write pretty good references if you'd like - those photo's are brilliant and made us laugh, way to go!! Dex & Lou x

Brian said...

Wow Puddles, you may go right to having your own show!!!

Minna Krebs said...

Well you certainly covered all da bases fur da job....you didn't mention all da practice you have had with da Popo and 'The Neighbors'. Plus your extraordinary barking skills!!!! Heehee

rottrover said...

Miss Puddles, are you wearing your kevlar vest in that foto with the beer?? You are a K-9 princess!!

-Bart

Remington said...

Well done, Miss Puddles! How could anyone say no to you....

Corbin said...

If they don't hire you, I will! AND I pay in beer and cheetos :-)
-Corbin

Frankie Furter said...

BUTT would they want you to give up the Governor's Mansion????

SAS....Sammy, Andy and Shelly said...

Darlin' Puddles, if the K-9 organization has any brains at all, they will know what a great addition you would be to their ranks!!!!!!! We are cheering you on!!!!!!!!!

Love to you, your brofur. your sisfur and your humans.

Anny said...

sure is a loooooooooooooooooong post.. hahahahahhahahahaa but great stuffs... i wonder if Jerry will read this... :p

Anny said...

Urmmm.. checking the pillows for squirrels are NOT misbehaving... its WORK and urmm... artistic talents too.. hehhehehehehe

the K9 unit could surely use someone like you for their publicity shots :)

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

Puddles, you won't have any problem getting added to the K-9 detail with a resume and portfolio like that - awesome job. If you need an assistant, Ciara is good on the excavation, and TD is a great hunter.

Woos ~ Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

Junior and Orion said...

Oh Puddles, you are priceless! Meowm is laughing so hard her has tears running down her face! We certainly hope that Jerry dude gives you a fighting chance!

Amber-Mae said...

That is quite a resume. If they don't hire you, then they don't know what they're missing out!!! With that fantasticular resume, you will be hired!

Amber DaWeenie said...

No doubt 'bout it....you has dat job in da bag. Do you's get to carry peeper spray?

♥I am Holly♥ said...

Puddles, that is a very impressive resume! They would have to be out of their minds not to hire you!! Nobody would ever think you were a K-9 so you could stroll into situations without anyone giving you a thought about being a K-9! Think of the possibilities!! How exciting!!! Lots of love, Holly and mom

Maggie Mae said...

Puddles,

Dey is all stoopid if dey don't hire you...just sayin' ;)

Woofs and Licks,
Maggie Mae

Zona said...

I'm confused... why would you want to be part of a CAST of K9s.... you should be the STAR!!!!! This letter is just proof!!

Wags,
Zona

pam said...

What is dis you says about a law dat says you can't be discriminated against due to a disability? We has the same hearing disability but Mommy says something along the lines of 'Disability Schmisability get in here right now then HBO words!'

And la la la we can't hears you Mommy...

Please send further info as Mommy should probably go to jail.

Bobo and Meja

Kitty+Coco said...

Puddles, have we ever told you that you are our hero? Well, you are. We too are afflicted with Selective Hearing. I have recently contracted a case of the "guilty face" in which Mom can FINALLY tell that I have done something wrong. Gotta work on that. We totally think you should be on the team, or at least do some contract work.

Kitty and Coco

sophie...^5 said...

Just wanted to thank you for your kind prayers for Pops...he's doing well for a 94 year old...keep up the great blogging!

Leonardo said...

Hey Ms. P.
If you need references, Grady, The Mom and I would be happy to vouch for you.

Tell them to call Mom's cell phone cause me and Grady aren't allowed to answer the phone when no one is home.

Have an awesome day.
Leo, Grady and The Mom.

Jan's Funny Farm said...

Good application, Puddles. We hope you get the job.

Elyse and Riley said...

Funnnnnnny post!! I'll hav you know I was up at 5:20 this morning to go to the airport & I checked your blog before I left...your secretary must have overslept. I wanted to be the first comment again, but no such luck!

I was stuck at Midway, not O'Hare, thankfully. I finally reached my destination around 1:30 Central time.

Elyse and Riley

P.S.--I think I miss Riles waaaay more than she misses me! Grandma's going to sleep with her in my bed until I get back...something about it would be too crowded with Grandma, Grandpa, Chloe, and Riley all in their bed!!

ABBY said...

Puddles
We fink yur phone will be ringin off da hook!

>^..^< >^..^< >^..^ >^..^< >^..^<
Abby Ping Jinx Boo Gracie
purrin
xoxox
~ManxMnews

Wyatt said...

Puddles, I think that you are hired! Go get em' girlfriend!!

Wyatt and Stanzie

road-dog-tales said...

Well, Puddles, we think this sounds waaaay more exciting than being a show dog anyway. They would be INSANE not to sign you immediately, if not sooner! Good luck!

The Road Dogs

Peggy Frezon said...

I think that letter ought to do the trick! You seem to have all the qualifications. Super sniffer. check. purple poop bags. check. you're all set!

Monaco said...

Good Luck Puddles,
I bet you would rock!

Maggie and Mitch said...

We just know you're at the top of their list for consideration, Puddles!

Love ya lots,
Maggie and Mitch

Roo said...

BOL! With Puddles on the force, I would sleep so much better. Heck, I wouldn't even bother to lock the doors at night :D Go get em tiger!

Waggin at ya,
Roo

Team Beaglebratz said...

Shiloh'n Shasta comin'tu u frum their telepathic wavestream - did u 'member - since u iz on the small side, u iz better able tu git in places where them bigger doggiez can't.

From the mom - our home Internet iz still out. When life slows down a bit - maybe tomorrow evening, I will try a few ideas to get it working. In the meantime, I sure do hope and pray all is well down there - have heard about all the tornados and destruction/deaths down in the south. Please let us know what is going on around you.
Kim

Roxy Ann LaRue said...

Oh I hope you do get the job, what fun...one question for ya: do you give out get out jail/crate free cards? What a perk that would be!
Roxy

♥ Sallie said...

LOL!

You should have mentioned your flying and stunt driving skills.

Hugs,

KB said...

You are beyond hysterical P-U-D-D-L-E-S, dat's with 2 D's (see, I was taking notes). Crate trained???? Cheetos? I do think that the screening officer will love your undercover get-up, with a cheeto as a mustache!

Sarge said...

Hey Puddles!
Wow, I think any popo department would be thrilled to have you on staff. Your entertainment value alone should move you to the top of the interview pile! I'm sure you could do all of the required duties...if you choose to. BOL
Grr and Woof,
Sarge, COP

Team Beaglebratz said...

Ok - so I am a chronic worrier - so shoot me. Waiting to hear that you are ok down there - I know some places in Georgia were hit by the terrible tornadoes. We all are praying for your safety and well-being. If you were impacted by the severe weather, I understand what takes priority at this time - when you have a chance, please let us know you are safe.
Kim, Shiloh'n Shasta

What Remains Now said...

That is the best resume I've ever seen. If Mr. Jerry Wengert has any sense, he's on the phone trying to get in contact with you. I can't wait!