Uh, can I calls you Jerry? Okays good. Yous can call me Puddles or Youcantbeseriousgirl. I is also a girl. Now I is writing dis letter in hopes of convincing you to bring me on as a K-9 doggie in your department. I may not be da usual candidate fur such a job cuz of my size but I is REAL BIG on personality and provide tons of entertainment. I knows you is prolly thinking dat I don't has da qualifications to be a part of your K-9 team cuz I is a dachshund. Well, dat ain't da case. Well, I is a doxie but I is also Puddles so dat means I can do anything
as long as it suits my agenda. I have written out a few of my attributes and included a few million fotos so you can sees how purty I is fur informational purposes. You may want to take some notes.
Nows, I must tells you furst dat I ain't formally trained in da K-9 field.
Heck, I don't has to be trained cuz it's aaaaaall instinct fur me.
(really only cuz I ain't trainables)
I just so happens to be da only breed to hunt below and above ground...now I don't thinks a regular K-9 could do dat.
I am super fast!
I'm even faster withs my head on.
I knows, I knows (shaking my head) you thinking I aint tuff and fierce.
Ask Mr. Ground Hog fur a reference.
I am sures he would oblige you...if he is still around.
(Dat blob is my Brudder and he was just supervising while I tooks da foto
but I WAS theres protecting and serving)
I tooks dat sucker down!!!!
Down I say!
I is also leash trained but it has to be a short leash in case I comes across a
squirrel or chipmunk, or fly perpetrator and then it's sayonara, I'm off likes lightening.
(Sorry, no visuals of dis, mum can't seem to take pictures and run at da same time).
Now dis may appeal to you.
I is a very good cooker of fine southern cuisine.
I do a variety of dishes as long as it is squirrel.
I makes a deeeelish Citrus Squirrel.
But da above foto is Squirrel Stew
(don't let their sweet faces fool you)
You will be pleased to knows dat I is crate trained so you won't has to worry bouts dat.
Ahem..cough...cough...I'm kinda crate trained.
But I do require a TV and remote control...and a bag of Cheetos.
Make sure you gets dat in your notes.
I has also been known to do a little undercover work.
Nobuddy would suspect I was a doggie.
Let's see, what else can I do?
Oh yes, check out me in my stealth mode.
Because I is a hound, I has a very good nose to sniff things out, peoples, drugs, beer, bombs, cheetos...
I also NEVERS EVERS poop while on da leash...strictly business once da leash goes on.
Okays well there was dis one time...I won't go theres.
(NOTE: I prefer purple poop bags, just so you'll knows)
I only mishave 3 or 12 times a week...give or take.
My "Good Times" are from 11-2 on Wednesdays
(You may wanna jot dat down in your notes)
I knows every single command but I has been inflicted
withs a rare debilitating disability called
It prevents me from only hearing a few or no commands.
Has you evers heard of it?
I hope dis won't hurt my chances.
Dis command is called "Get On The Table and Have Your Picture Made and Look Gorgeous"
(There is also a law dat says I can't discriminated against due to a disability)
Most importantly, I am fabulous at press fotos!
Good publicity shots will help in da climb to
Oh I almost furgots...I can hang withs da big dogs...so to speak...afters work.
(mine has to be a lite variety to maintain my girly figure...did you write dat down?)
So nows you can go ahead and order my K-9 vest.
Prolly a Small cuz I is 20 inches long and I weighs 11.8 pounds.
Another good trait, I is good with numbers.
Remembers, da name is Puddles
Dat is two D's.
And could I has mine in a nice shade of red?
Now on a serious note...Thank you to all da Popo officers everywheres fur a job well done.
Just rememebrs not to park in my driveway when you go to da neighbors house:)
Dam, dat was a long post.
Puddles...Broward County K-9