Friday, April 29, 2011

Freaking News


Not Breaking but Freaking!

And furs da latest Freaking News in da NEIGHBORhood...
They gonna haves some puppies.
Yep, da neighbors is gonna haves some puppies(da dog actually)...
in about a week...
 but they aren't sures cuz they hasn't taken her to da vet.
They is gonna gives da puppies away so if anybuddy would likes a puppy or 12 where da mom has never had shots or has been on heart worm preventative just lemme knows and I can hook you up.
Oh, and mom hasn't been socialized eithers.
She's about a year old. They bought her fur $50.

a shot of the male jumping his kennel...an everyday occurance.
Ignore da most gaaaaawjuss fence.
Niiiiiiiiice.

Sorry, furs da sarcasm but I am pissed...I knews dis was gonna happen and my mum tried to prevent it.
Wish I had time to explain da background on dis issue but it would take me way too long.

Does anybuddy have a phone number where you can turn peoples in fur bein' stoopid?

Thanks Tank!


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Dear Mr. Jerry Wengert

Dear Jerry,

Uh, can I calls you Jerry? Okays good. Yous can call me Puddles or Youcantbeseriousgirl. I is also a girl. Now I is writing dis letter in hopes of convincing you to bring me on as a K-9 doggie in your department. I may not be da usual candidate fur such a job cuz of my size but I is REAL BIG on personality and provide tons of entertainment. I knows you is prolly thinking dat I don't has da qualifications to be a part of your K-9 team cuz I is a dachshund. Well, dat ain't da case. Well, I is a doxie but I is also Puddles so dat means I can do anything as long as it suits my agenda. I have written out a few of my attributes and included a few million fotos  so you can sees how purty I is fur informational purposes. You may want to take some notes.

Nows, I must tells you furst dat I ain't formally trained in da K-9 field.
Heck, I don't has to be trained cuz it's aaaaaall instinct fur me.
(really only cuz I ain't trainables)
I just so happens to be da only breed to hunt below and above ground...now I don't thinks a regular K-9 could do dat.

I am super fast!
I'm even faster withs my head on.

I knows, I knows (shaking my head) you thinking I aint tuff and fierce.
Ask Mr. Ground Hog fur a reference.
I am sures he would oblige you...if he is still around.
(Dat blob is my Brudder and he was just supervising while I tooks da foto
but I WAS theres protecting and serving)
I tooks dat sucker down!!!!
Down I say!

I is also leash trained but it has to be a short leash in case I comes across a squirrel or chipmunk, or fly perpetrator and then it's sayonara, I'm off likes lightening.
(Sorry, no visuals of dis, mum can't seem to take pictures and run at da same time).

Now dis may appeal to you.
I is a very good cooker of fine southern cuisine.
I do a variety of dishes as long as it is squirrel.
I makes a deeeelish Citrus Squirrel.
But da above foto is Squirrel Stew
(don't let their sweet faces fool you)

You will be pleased to knows dat I is crate trained so you won't has to worry bouts dat.
Ahem..cough...cough...I'm kinda crate trained.
But I do require a TV and remote control...and a bag of Cheetos.
Make sure you gets dat in your notes.

I has also been known to do a little undercover work.
Nobuddy would suspect I was a doggie.

Let's see, what else can I do?
Oh yes, check out me in my stealth mode.

Because I is a hound, I has a very good nose to sniff things out, peoples, drugs, beer, bombs, cheetos...
in dis case, a chipmunk.

I also NEVERS EVERS poop while on da leash...strictly business once da leash goes on.
Okays well there was dis one time...I won't go theres.
(NOTE: I prefer purple poop bags, just so you'll knows)

I only mishave 3 or 12 times a week...give or take.
My "Good Times" are from 11-2 on Wednesdays
(You may wanna jot dat down in your notes)

I knows every single command but I has been inflicted
withs a rare debilitating disability called
"Selective Hearing".
It prevents me from only hearing a few or no commands.
Has you evers heard of it?
I hope dis won't hurt my chances.
Dis command is called "Get On The Table and Have Your Picture Made and Look Gorgeous"
(There is also a law dat says I can't discriminated against due to a disability)

Most importantly, I am fabulous at press fotos!
Good publicity shots will help in da climb to fame success.

Oh I almost furgots...I can hang withs da big dogs...so to speak...afters work.
(mine has to be a lite variety to maintain my girly figure...did you write dat down?)


So nows you can go ahead and order my K-9 vest.
Prolly a Small cuz I is 20 inches long and I weighs 11.8 pounds.
Another good trait, I is good with numbers.
Remembers, da name is Puddles
Dats P-U-D-D-L-E-S!
Dat is two D's.
And could I has mine in a nice shade of red?

Puddles...K-9

Now on a serious note...Thank you to all da Popo officers everywheres fur a job well done.
Just rememebrs not to park in my driveway when you go to da neighbors house:)

Dam, dat was a long post.

Peace Out,
Puddles...Broward County K-9

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Heeeeeellos!
I gots some devastating news overs da weekend and
I just couldn't bring myself to talks about it until nows.
Actually, my secretary was being lazy so I couldn't talk about it.
Now I hopes ya'll all sitting down fur dis.

I had big dreams at one time of being a show dog...remember?
Well, according to da AKC breed standards...


 My little white flame is not desirable fur show.
Very discrimenatory if you asks me...and just dumb.
I think maybe they is part of some secret society or a cult even.
(they obviously has nevers had my kool-aid)
I mean my white flame makes me unique and very Puddlish
So, I has a come to a decision in order to become famous make a difference.
I has decided to be a K-9 doggie
instead of a show dog!

Not just any K-9 doggie...
Cuz they is on TV and I could be famous.

 
Dis is what you call looking fur a squirrel  scent work.

"come out, come out wherevers you is"
 
 
Well I has written a letter to Mr. Jerry Wengert, da K-9 dude, expressing my desire to join his team.
But in da meantime, if anybuddy knows dis Jerry Wengert,
could you haves him contact my agent?
 
 
To be cont'd....
 
Peace out,
Puddles...future Broward County K-9 dog

Friday, April 22, 2011


As ya'll prolly already knows there is gonna be a HUGE, GIGANTIC bash tomorrow to celebrate Ronii's birfday and da life of Richie (bless him) I hopes ya'll can drop in to sees Ronii and Momma Tea.

I am gonna bring Citrus Squirrel to da party.
I thinks ya'll will really enjoy it.
Yesterday, I found a squirrel in my yard. He was already dead though...I did not kill it unfortunately.
I tooks a pikture of him but mum said I couldn't post it cuz we hads to be politically correct on heres but I tried to tells her dis is not a political blog so it would be okays...her didn't buy it.
Her sure can suck da fun outta things.
Oh and her said sumptin bout it was nasty cuz da squirrel had flies all overs it.
I call it protein...and crunchy...mum calls it disgusting!

I'm gonna gives ya'll da recipe just in case ya'll wants to make it at home.
It's real easy...afters you get da squirrel (they is kinda fast)
 I personally likes da alternate version of da recipe myself.

Citrus Squirrel
Ingredients:
1 squirrel, 1 large orange, butter, salt and pepper

Place squirrel in baking dish. Quarter the orange and squeeze the juice onto the squirrel. Place at least 4 pats of butter on top. Salt and pepper to taste. Cover and bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until done. Serve and enjoy.

Alternantive recipe when you don't have salt, pepper, or butter:
place the squirrel and orange side-by-side. Eat the squirrel. Then eat the orange to get rid of that gamey taste in your mouth.

Yuuuuuuuuuuummy!

See ya'll at da party!

Peace Out,
Puddles
PS: da dead squirrel was prolly eletrocuted. Dumb squirrel.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Project?????

When I came to lives heres,
being part of school projects was NOT in my contract.

"mum, you don't has to take fotos of dis"

My Girl had a math project fur school and hers had to do all kinds of measurements on me.
Height, width, length, volume, temperture, weight, and blah blah blah.

 "Is dis right little Girl?"

Now, I was good fur her while hers was doing all dis measurin' stuff because I mean hers IS My Girl and I really wanted hers to get a good grade on her project and since it was ME...well, it hads to be perfect so I was indeed on my bestest bevavior....ever!


Oh and ummmmmm...NO, hers did not take my temperture.
(we used da last reading from da VET, thank goodness).

My Girl and mum was so proud of me.
I must haves just been out of my mind or sumptin....
....or or or could it be dat I am actually a good dog?
Haaaaaaa....who am I kiddin',
of course I'm not really a good dog,
 it's just fun to say.
And I'll do anything fur my girl.
(little girl, does I get my treat now?)

By da way...I is 20 inches long and 9 inches high...just in case ya'll was interested in knowing.
And my brain is LARGE...bwhahahahahaha!

Peace Out,
Puddles
PS: I has been MIA dis week cuz da Girl is on
Spring Break
and I has to entertain hers.
I am waaaaay betters and fun at entertaining than mum.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I Will Rememer You

Today we had to say goodbye to you until we meet again Richie.
Though my heart hurts, I know you are in a good place and can run and you have no more pain.

Rest in Peace my dear friend

with Love,
Puddles and Family

Friday, April 15, 2011

Da Silent Treatment

Dats right, I is starring in my very first feature film.
Nows dis is actually a documentary...
...documentating hows to properly do da silent treatment.

Here are just a few warnings.
WARNING:
* Ignores da kerazy lady cacklin' in da video.
I still don't knows what da heck was so funny.
I had druther hears da Diva's clickety click click videos than my mum laughin' like a lunatic.

*Oh and makes sure you is not drinking your coffee.

Okays, I done withs my warnings
so let's roll...hehehehehe!

video


Did anybuddy happen to notice how Mr. Goody Two Paws looked at mum on command?
Well DON'T notice it...he's such a suck up.

And on a serious note...

Dis little girl named Lucy is missing from St. Helena, SC
Her is a 5 month old piebald doxie with one blue eye.
If anybuddy is in dat are please be on da look out fur her.
Here is da info I received from Miss Honeybuzz:
ST. HELENA, SC.......LUCY along with two other dachshunds were boarded at a facility on St. Helena for a week this past Sunday 4/03/11.  On Friday 4/08/11 they received a message that something terrible had happened to LUCY.  The person said she thought a HAWK had taken LUCY and she was no where to be found.  We do no know what happened to this adorable member of the family but are helping the Family in hopes someone has this dog or knows where she is.  She could have been sold to a breeder or an individual.  Unfortunately, she was not microchipped.  She has lots of distinguishing features.  Her main one is that she has one BLUE eye and one BROWN eye.  The family just wants her back and are heartbroken. 
There is also a reward for Lucy's return but I am not posting the amount on here (for safety purposes)
 If anyone has information please contact me and I will get you the contact info.
Thank you to Noah's Ark for helping Lucy's family to reunite her.


Peace Out,
Puddles

Thursday, April 14, 2011

More From My Walkie

P Doggy heres to finish my story bouts our walkie.
Furst, I wanted to say dat all of your comments had me laughin' and I find it very interesting dat many of ya'll don't poop on walks. I seriously thought I was da only one dat didn't do dat.

Anyways, so we gets back to da car and we haves our water and rest and blah blah blah.
And I was still laughin' !
Bwhahahahahaha...I pooped on da siiiiiidewalk...hehehe!

 But in an interesting turn of events...they was all laughin' at me.

They said I looked like a dork in dis foto below.
Said I didn't looks likes da Puddles!
Does I look likes a dork to ya'll?????
(seriously, don't answer dat)

And I was all like..."what?"..."why ya'll callin' me a dork?"

"Dat's not funny! Hmmmmmmph!"


But then,  I got 'em real good....

I told my so-called "family" I wasn't gonna talks to them no mores...evers...again!
Or furs da next 5 seconds anyways.

I thinks I'm gonna needs therapy to get overs dis...sigh.
Or a Bud Light to drown my sorrows in.

Peace Out,
Puddles

PS: we has a video we gonna TRY to upload tomorrow...hehehehehehehehehehehe!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Makin Fun of Mum On Wednesday...

...dis was SUPPOSE to be titled Makin Fun Of Mum on Monday but SOMEBUDDY failed to do my bloggin' duties on monday so nows my title makes no sense.

I nevers talk about our walkies cuz they is always very uneventful but mum apparently got hits in da head withs da stoopid stick and gots dis bright idea to takes us ALL 3 furs a walk by herself.
Dis has never evers happened cuz Whitney gets all anxious and skeered so mum takes Whitney by herself.
And just so ya'll knows...we take our walks at da school while we wait on da girl to get out. We get outts da car and walk down a looooong road to get off school property.

Dis us gettin' readies fur our walkie.
Blob 1 (aka: Albert)

Yours truly dat happens to be out of focus.

Blob 2 (aka:Whitney)



(Mum didn't takes da camera on da walkie cuz her would haves had 3 leashes and a camera...lame excuse if you ask me. I mean ya'll knows what a clutz hers can be and I would haves had so much fun withs dat)

Use your imagination heres:
We're walkin and
we're walkin and
we're walkin...
and then I hads to poop...right smack on da sidewalk...on school property!
Well you knows, when you gots to go, you gots to go.

Now sees, I has been walkin' all my life and I has NEVERS EVERS pooped on a walk so mum quit takin poop bags.
You know what hers did?
Her hads to find a piece of trash on da road to picks my poop up !
(good thing I has little turds)
Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!
Don't worry, mum made sures nobuddy saw hers.
Her hid her face....and jumped in da bushes when a car came by.


...to be cont'd

Peace Out,
Puddles

PS: just to let ya'll know, we ALWAYS walk off the school premises but this happened before we made it to the public area.
PSS: Mum was SOOOOOO proud of of how well Sissy did on da walk dat we is all goin' on our walks togethers from now on.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Come Look What I Gots

Hellos theres everybuddy!
P Doggy heres!
I gots to show ya'll sumptin real cool dat I gots in da mail from Minna and her posse.
Of course, I has to show ya'll some piktures so ya'll can see how it all went down furst.

Dis is me trying to gets ready furs my press fotos.
"Okays mum,  I is readies to gets on da table furs my foto shoot"

I dunnos if ya'll has evers noticed dat I has all my press fotos done on da table.
Well, I do...just in case you didn't knows.

"What does you mean I ain't getting on da table today?"
"But, it's what I do woman!"
(somebuddy may want to inform mum dat I needs my nails clipped)

Oh sorry, ya'll is waiting to sees what I gots in da mail huh?
I didn't means to keeps ya'll waiting...can't stand it it any longers can ya?
Okays here it is.......






Hehehehe...it's a book withs a look-a-like Puddles!
Did you sees da title?

"heheheehehee...ain't dat hilarious?"

I thinks it was really written abouts me and da author just didn't want anybuddies to knows it.
Prolly protecting me so I wouldn't get so famous and alls.
I just loves da make believe world in my head.

Here, look again!
Nows wasn't dat worths another look?

And heres da written part of da book.
I don't thinks dat is likes any doxie I knows...bwhahahahahaha!
Oh gosh, I kills myself.

Wait, theres more.
It's PICKLES!
We is both featured in da book...who would haves ever thunk we was so famous?
Yea, we keeps it on da down low.

Dis is what Pickles part says.
If you asks me, they has no idea what us doxies are really and truly like.
Okays, maybe a smidgen.

But what I DO knows is dat dis book has da most beautiful illustrations.
I mean they is incredibles.
And da best part is dat My Girl had a friggin fit overs it and I has heard it a million and twelve times already...her likes to read.

Thank you Minna and posse furs thinking of us.
Ya'll is such wonderful furiends.

Peace Out,
Puddles

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I Believe....

I CAN FLY!
Wooooohoooooo!

OMD, woman you cuts my head off!

*My apologies furs missing some blogs, my mum has had stuff going on at my girl's school.


Peace OUt,
Puddles

Monday, April 4, 2011

I Am Sad and a Gotcha Day!

I is sad today furiends.
Well, grab a seat and I tells ya'll aaaaaaaall abouts it.


Ya'll sees, I had dis dream of entering Tucker's Dogya Contest but my dream is not to be...it was smooshed like a bug when I realized dat I does nuttin silly...at alls.
Dats right, I does nuttin crazy or spontaneous...oh how borin' I is.

I has seen some fotos of ya'll in all these contortionistic poses and to tells ya'll da truth...it's quite disturbin'!
And I can't do no crazy poses!
I'm thinkin' it could be cuz of my short legs...though they be purty dang gorgeous if I do say so myself.

Dis is all I can do...sigh.

Yep, purty much da same heres.

And again....blah!

It's not just a blankie...I happens to be in theres.

But I can roll my eyes in da back of my head though.

Dis is called da Donut and I can do it purty well.

So, I was thinkin' dat maybes I can win on da sympathy vote  or maybe I can win cuz I looks so sweet and innocent I'm asleep when I am just laying around. Okays maybe not.

One dream bursted my reality...I thinks I'll go back to bed now and dream about what could haves been.


Also I wants to wish da most gorgeous Lola a Happy Gotcha Day!

I am so happy dat you founded da most perfect, lovin', furever home!
You and your family is very lucky to has found eachothers.
(Hehehehehe, I met you last year furs da furst time on your Gotcha Day through Mayzie)

Peace Out,
Puddles...da non-contortionist dog